Hearts Awake

No use. Tried it all. Don't belong here. Do not fit. Dreams keep vanishing, life keeps breathing shallow and all I can see is egotism rising. To those of you who believe, rise! Make it your highest priority to love Father and your neighbor. Get all the strength you need to be there for the lost and hurting. Frustration is not the key. Love is. Let frustration guide you to love's heart and melt your bitterness away for time is running out. Never before had "me" stood so much in the way. Kill it. Kill your desire to run your life by yourself. Give it up into love's hands. You will surely die. Why not die while seeing your dream come true? As you get deader by the hour you'll realize how much more of love is out there. Selfless love, a love that doesn't expect anything in return. True freedom. I'm not here to convince you. I'm here to be a voice among such few... ARISE and let the words of your Father become reality. Don't be satisfied by living of crumbs. Start asking your Father for more. He's crazy about giving. If it was for him, he'd have Christmas every day...

Hearts, awake to good deeds. Let your muscles get to work and you'll see, love will flow, like a river.....

Perfecting Holiness

It is easy to find out others' faults and to bring the whole force of our mind to bear against them. It is delightful to expose vice and lampoon the follies of the age, adding a dash of wit to enliven it, or to preach virtue, with a little of the sugar of scandal to sweeten a painful tale. It highly gratifies some people when they can find a fault with some highly respected person. That is their forte, the strength of their genius, pulling to pieces what they could not put together and attempting to raise themselves by lowering others. But notice, the apostle says, "Let us cleanse ourselves." Oh, that we would all look at home! Oh, that we did more indoor work in this department! Our first business is to "cleanse ourselves". It is all very well to drag the church of God (The Most High God) up to the altar like some bleeding victim, and there to stab her with the sharpest knife of our criticism and to say that she is not that. One might rather ask, "How far do I help to make her what she is? If she is degenerate, how far is that degeneracy consequent upon my having fallen from the high standing that I should have occupied?" We shall all have contributed our quota to the reform of the church when we are ourselves reformed. There can be no better way of promoting general holiness than by increasing in personal holiness.

Spurgeon (A Passion For Holiness In A Believer's Life)

Loss

Daily struggle. Who said it's going to be easy?
My heart seems to be crying on a continuous basis.
A loss is hard to describe when all you have is emotions.
First, nothing seems to make sense. Then you start seeing what you come out of and you literally shout for joy. New freedom is won. New hope is rising, a hope for a good future. You start climbing that mountain that will lead you out of the valley. Half way, after you have overcome so called invincible hindrances, you are held back by everything that is reaching out for you from the close past. What in the world?! All you want to do is give up and sit down. Take time to reconsider. Why shouldn't I turn back to Egypt. I mean, I had my problems but still, I had company with others who are suffering the same fate. I wasn't all alone. Look at me now...

...as I'm turning to walk back a still small voice breathes into my heart: "I'm here with you and we will overcome together. We will walk this path together with Joy. Stick with me and I promise, you will know what true freedom is."

Hesitation is what will take the chance of moving forward. I learned. So I grabbed that promising word and looked up. Yes, that mountain was huge. Dismay is a well-known companion. I had to kick it goodbye. Wasn't nice at first since it had become somewhat like a friend. When Joy arrived, though, I knew I had not really lost anything.

This Is How I Want To Be Loved

(Sigh)

After that the only thing I could do was cry. Something had happened inside of me that I had not expected. A deep longing claimed to be heard and I gave in. As the tears are running I turn to my Maker. Such Love, I say, is what I seek. Binding over the distance, binding through circumstances, binding me to one heart. Just like I was tattooed on His heart and that's why He finds me anywhere I go.

Love that keeps looking out for me, eagerly waiting every day to meet me. No selfish motive, no, on the contrary, it's always the other that matters. And so the miracle happens. I believe it's true.

After He has tried to tell me so many times, after He has gone through hell just to let me know how much He wants me, after years of wooing and desiring me without success.. He is still there, everyday, waiting for me. Longing for me. Such love, I say, is what I'm looking for.

After I have said no, numerous times, after I yelled at Him to leave me alone, after I did my own thing and ended up in misery... He is still there and His love feels even more true.
I don't deserve this. And again I'm willing to turn away because I can't take it. Inside of me I silently cry, though...

Jesus, only you can love that way.

Perfect World

All my life I dreamt of a world that will never be. I dreamt of peace, I dreamt of joy and laughter but none of it lasted to keep.
I wondered about and came across what looked like it and immediately I called it my own. I held it tightly never to lose it again. This world looked just like what I thought I had dreamt of. So much to imagine, so much to look forward to. I lost myself in this world where I spun around to see even further and deeper into my illusion.
I don't call pain my companion but for some reason it believes it is.
Clouds of depression kept reaching out their filthy hands in order to pour their darkness over me. No questions asked, no request made. Now I'm tumbling.
Sometimes confusion leaves us in better shape than understanding the reality of what has happened. Hungry faces, blind eyes.. all physical pain is easier to carry than the ice-cold in-your-face rejection. Humans.
We as humans tend to hurt one another in ways no one ever understands. The one who supposedly loves the other only seems to see the weak spots in the other. They decide to rather live lives that do not in the least fulfill any of their dreams and give up hope, give up on one another to further help destroy my world of peace.
I'm left again in this mess.
Hope?

...

I really need to go to bed.

Forever I Will Be

For some people I seem to be some kind of a heroine. For others, just the opposite.
One day, I feel like a heroine, on another, failure is written all over my face as I pick up the pieces that were once the picture of a beautiful vessel - filled with courage to conquer the world.
Grace is the word that literally made me to be the woman I am calling myself. Grace has reached out once again to brokenness. Brokenness has torn me apart, has brought up the evil and placed a choice right in front of my face. I grabbed it - it was gone. I ran, now I was willing to choose.

Elohim, I'm yours. Take the evil and make me to that vessel who was once ready to conquer, ready to win. You made me queen. You made me rise up and fight the battle of faith. You gave me a name.
Your name.

I was yours. I am yours. Forever I will be.