Just Me

Goodbye, My Love

2012-02-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

Here I am again... after a few months fighting.

When I look at past posts I can see a tendency. I just don't want to let go.

I know, you say, don't ask why but can't you understand that there is this question burning inside of me to be answered?

My focus is off. My strength drained. It feels like I've been crying for weeks now.

Trying to say goodbye.

I just can't.

You have been there for me all this time. You have cared and showed how much you cared over and over again.

You must love me.

I have not been loved this way before. Humbled I reach out to your love because I just want to embrace it all. You have touched places inside of me others never could. You have helped me see the world in a different way... sometimes you even shocked me because I wasn't ready to see what you showed me. Still, you have shown gentleness til the end. You have kept your heart steady at one pace: loving me.

Girls, now this is what I call love that will carry you throughout a lifetime!

You will know that love.

I couldn't give it to you because it wasn't meant to be.

But I'm so convinced that you will find it because what else will a woman give a man when she's loved the way you show love?

She will be the happiest woman on earth.

You have that way. You will make her very happy.

And that's what I wish for you: that one and only to share that great love.

Oh how jealous I am for that love.

Please let me go now.

I have to go.

I can no longer look at you for my heart is in great pain. It aches for the time we spent together loving each other in such purity.

Oh would the tears please stop running down my face - I've cried so much there couldn't possibly still be any tears left!

Goodbye, my love. May you have the life that God has planned for you, may He bless you and watch over you. May He make His face shine upon you and give you His perfect peace. And may you know Him the way He truly is. He is a good Father who cares for you in ways you could never imagine.

Goodbye.

Day After Day

2011-08-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on.

I thought I took a step further, improving my own situation by taking the risk.

Now that I'm contemplating it I am confronted with horrible fears.

Future fears, present fears and even fears from the past.

Comparison is THE killer. In my case, though, I took a sneak peak to make sure that I'm on the right track. All of a sudden I feel humiliated and bluntly put just stupid.

Emotions create such illusions - quite fascinating.

Just devestating.

I want to run away, far far far away from this place where I'm at. I want to start new. I want to leave all my failures behind and know that I'm wanted, needed and good for something.

It feels like I've lost life's exciting touch.

To what?

We are trying.

What are we trying?

My heart aches for the real thing.

Does anyone hear me?

Does anyone know?

I'm pretty sure you do. I'm pretty convinced I'm not the only one.

Let's run.

Let's leave this world behind us and start anew. Let's open our hearts to God's love who knows the deepest fears of us. Let's run into His loving arms where we're accepted, wanted and good.

Let's drink deep from His well of life and start today what brings Him joy: Forgive ourselves as well.

Thank you, God, for being there - especially when I feel I'm most rejected of all.

You have turned my shame into something glorious and that's what I want to carry.

You have forever changed me and I want to live that life - day after day after day after day...

Disobedience

2011-08-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

Left. Deserted. Ashamed. Abandoned. Lonely.

Fear has a hold on me. Is He still looking? Does He know? As I try to reason my way out my heart gets more and more entangled in the lies it feeds me. Gross. That thick black slime fills my insides pushing me first to the left then to the right and back. I'm being pushed! No control anymore, I take the next steps further into it. Together we climb that ladder. It's been pretty faithful so far. The strength it grows inside of me makes joy and rest disappear. Lies become my daily bread. Most importantly to myself. Others are fed the fruits of what I've eaten.. and feel weird. Just like I do.

Where is Your presence? You don't desire false sacrifices.

And then You call me. First it's a tag then it's a fire. "My child, my child, come to me. I will give you what your heart desires."

My will stands firm, holding it's hands. Where did it come from and why am I holding on so tightly? Illusions. Make believe. Fake. Gross.

What I do want to feel is the purity in the love I wanted to share.

It kept me desiring for something He had not planned. Oh how beautiful it looked. How awesome to behold. And yet, He said "Wait!" and I didn't want to hear it.

Pain.

In disobedience is the greatest pain.

It sometimes even costs your life.

So hold on to Jesus who knows.

Obedience is far better than sacrifice.

And as you trust in Him, He will make sure that He will give you the desries of your heart.

How I Miss You

2011-07-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

Just a few hours have passed that I didn't hear from you. I miss you.

I desire to hear from you, know you more and be with you. Sometimes I wonder how all of that works. You walk through life and meet so many people. Yet one of all of those people changes your perspective forever. The clockwork of your heart is doing double time but even slows down to what you could call a complete standstill... when you touch my hand gently or when you look into my eyes with such love.

I miss your voice. I miss your face. I miss the touch of your skin and the way you move your lips. I miss how you expect me to say something in return and your deep laughter. I miss your smile - goodness how it makes my insides explode..

I miss your soft kisses all over my face while you hold me carefully.

I can't get enough of your sincerity and pure view on life. I miss the way you show compassion on people and how you desire to experience more of God's love. I miss watching you work and help out wherever you can. I just miss holding your hand while walking by your side.

You are so beautiful how you show your love to me. There is something so right about how you love me. I miss how you love me.

How I miss you.

I Don't Deserve You

2011-07-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

I don't deserve you.

You are too beautiful for words.

Never has anyone made more sense to me than who you are.

"A friend is someone who loves you even though he knows you."

Call me little in my expectations about true love.. but I just love true friendship.

I am looking for the friendship you have offered.

There is nothing more lasting and beautiful than a friend.

I so badly want to be your best friend.

Bestest ever friend.

It seems like all my posts carry tears of burdens too heavy to bear yet this one is by far the heaviest. Slowly but surely I am loosing the tears to keep up with it.

To know you as such a wonderful person that you are but having to let you go.

To see you smile at me with such gentleness in your eyes but not able to touch you.

It wouldn't be equally gentle coming from me. I don't know such gentleness in me.

To hear you but having to fight against the urge to run into your arms to hear your heartbeat and listen for more of what you have to say. The sound of my words will never reach the depth and quality that your words are made of.

Your voice calms the storms around me and makes me want for more. You just know what to say and you say it. I am sincerely reaching out to also be the one to say the right thing but fail too very often. You still look at me the same.

You have been there all this time.

You listened.

You instilled hope inside of me.

You stayed.

You taught me many life lessons.

You laughed and cried with me.

You never gave up on me.

You held me.

You trusted me.

You even shared what you were having for breakfast with me.

You just know exactly what it means to be a true friend.

I don't deserve you.

"Papa Putt"

2011-05-27T11:54:00.001-07:00

Oh God, oh God. I can not let go.

Everything inside of me is crying out to you to have mercy and to give back what you have taken from me.

The pain is so great I can't bear it.

This time the loss is greater than ever before.

This time I saw the beauty, saw the greatness, saw purity and hope.

This time I don't want to let go.

Oh God, you know me better than any other human being ever could.

WHY?

You have other plans?

What plans?

I know I was reading Hebrews 11.... not knowing what exactly you had in mind.

Now it makes a lot of sense.

Abraham was called friend of God because he followed your word and trusted you even though he had no idea what the future would bring.

He trusted you to be good.

Oh God I so want to believe this.

It's just so stinking hard right now.

You took away the most precious thing I have ever laid my eyes on...

Oh God, restore faith in me. For your sake, restore and heal what's broken in so many pieces.

Have mercy.

I know I'm going to fail you again and again but please do something or Iwill die.

This time it just isn't fair at all. Doens't make ANY sense.

Father, please, help me now. I have no strength to withstand. I have nothing I can bring.

All I can say now is: "Papa, putt!"

Spreading Gold Dust

2011-02-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

When pressure arises with such weight it does have the potential to crush me. Yet you're saying it will teach me and if I hold on I'll actually come out spreading gold dust.

No, not here to deny that just asking how in the world to hold on and trust you. Isn't it the same old story again that is told you with these words. How often have you heard it and how often will you still?

And then you put your arm around me, pat me with your gentleness and kindness. I listen, cause I know there's so much truth in your words. And I keep leaning on your chest, listening to your heart beat, crying silent tears while I'm letting the knowing grow inside of me of who you really are. Strength comes from waiting. The waiting for you.

And when you arrive it's glorious, everytime.

Thank you for being so good to me.

Despicable

2010-12-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, what now.

Again I'm placed with the disgraceful. Again haunted, not only by my own fears but also the fears of another. Combined we do not make a good match, I realized that today.

The other, a twisted story, and me. Despicable me.

Condemnation has taken its turn. This time I was smarter and yanked it goodbye. My God is good. No doubt about that. Still I'm hurting and tossed to and fro. My emotions are just waiting for me to give in and deny what's happened. How come I find myself in situations like that when I've decided to move on?

I wanted quality - I reaped the shadow of something I so deeply longed for.

I wanted truth - I reaped denial.

I wanted sincerity - I reaped lies.

I wanted "a worthy oponent" - I reaped shallow words.

God, there is so much I want to know about what happened! How could this happen at all?

The depth of the pain trying to overcome all of me seems indiscribable.

And there I am again. Asking, knocking, seeking... knowing that you will come for me.

Because you are good. And you care so incredibly much about what I am and what I'm not.

You want all of me and here I am.

This time I will run back into your arms. This time I will not give in to condemnation and all that destructive crap.

Jesus, you died so I could live and LIVE IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO!

Thank you for lifting my head. In you I find dignity. In you I find rest. In you is my joy and I will forever sing this song to you.

That's IT.

2010-12-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

My heart longs to be with you Jesus.

Dead or Alive

2010-11-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

And again, I find myself doubting if the choices I make are those that will eventually take me further to your heart, Father. I even wrote a letter to some church that offered counsel just to talk to someone... that I don't even know. And yet, here I was earnestly seeking an answer. I'm pretty blunt when it comes to questions such as this one. I know that everyone has in the past - or will in the future - encountered a moment of truth. What I don't know who of you embraced and who of you denied the truth. And that is exactly where our lives begin to separate. Whereas I will try to look into your eyes you will feel condemned, angry, sad or just as you pushed the truth away you might even push any kind of feeling away. Then, you'll start to look like that smiley with a straight line - no emotions, indifference setting in.

The last phase is what I consider "living dead" or "zombie". Your body is here but your heart seems all dead. This is not how God intended life for us.

Only the truth will set you free. And everyday I am put before that choice: Do I want to follow the truth or do I make friends with death, hell and destruction. Come on, face it. Those are the consequences. I've been there.

Anyway, in the end it's your choice. Only problem, you're not alone in this world. Your choices ALWAYS effect other people's lives. So, for the sake of life lived fully, would you please choose the truth?

2010-09-24T04:59:00.000-07:00

"A God we cannot be honest with is no God. If we bow the head and say, 'Thy will be done,' when our heart is aflame with protest, we only increase our own pain. Better to rail on God at the passing into the night of this small sweet innocence than to assume unreal acceptance. And then, with small steps, treading the way of sorrows, we may gradually, or perhaps with blinding suddenness, look up from the dark road and see that God has been treading the Way with us, holding us when we faltered, giving us the strength to go hesitatingly forward."

Sheila Bovell

2010-09-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday!!

Others

2010-09-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

There is so much to do and so little time.

Recently listened to a preacher man who spoke about the little amount of time we spend here on earth. He explained it this way:

For God, a thousand years are like one day. Jesus says somewhere in the Gospels that a day has 12 hrs. So... for a man who reaches 75 years of age only lives about 57 minutes before he reaches eternity. Well, you figure it out how he calculated that one... in the meantime let me explain the essence of his calculation.

I believe that there is such a short time here on earth that can either be centered on me or on others. Yes, OTHERS.

There goes that decision making again... it's a daily decision we have to make to make our lives count. And counting it does! Giving, sharing, lifting, thanking, helping, pouring, growing, spending time, ... you name it! You can live a fulfilled life by investing into others and by that also overcome fears and failure, dread and anxiety, hunger and thirst, depression and sadness...

Let's take the opportunity and make our lives count in that way! It's so easy and yet so hard when we only focus on ourselves.

Let's look to Him who started it all - who loved us first before we even knew Him.

Let's go

2010-09-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

..trapped..

2010-08-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life makes me feel trapped. These are the times when I find it hardest to articulate my feelings. Everything feels like a chore. Even going to bed at night seems difficult, and I really love sleep.

That's why I'm really not sure what to say right now. I'm a realist, I don't believe in faking that my life is all great, so I'm not going to write something that is superficially optimistic when it would be a lie. No, I'm not saying that I'm depressed, I'm not going to give in to that either, though it would be easy. But there has come a time in my life when reality has hit, hard, and I have to face the utter stupidity of my youth and pay for it, literally.

So then comes the feeling of entrapment. The inability to do the things that I dream about, because of the idiocy of past life decisions.. Trapped. Like a wild animal.

For z'Chermanz

2010-08-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Neue Zuercher Zeitung, 26.11.1950

'Die Gefährdung der Familie ist so offenbar, daß die Bestrebungen zu

ihrer Festigung und Verinnerlichung ein Gebot der Stunde sind. Die Familie ist sowohl das fundament des Einzelnen als auch des Staates;

aber nicht mit Theoremen festigen wir die Familie: sie festigt sich selber durch eine sinnvolle Tätigkeit in der Gemeinsamkeit ihrer Stube.'

Thankful

2010-08-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Thankful.

Thankful for my family, thankful for my friends.

Thankful for my job, thankful for the possibility to study.

Thankful for health, thankful for all the food I can eat.

Thankful for my apartment, thankful for my bed.

Thankful for sunshine even when it rains, thankful for a smile despite the circumstances.

Thankful for a needed hug, thankful for every dream that does come true.

Thankful for meaning in my life, thankful for all the blessings I can share.

Thankful for fresh water, thankful for my shoes.

Thankful for great ideas, thankful for an encouraging word.

Thankful for understanding, thankful for being understood.

Thankful for love that is offered to me daily and thankful for being able to receive.

I have a thankful heart and it can only come from you, Jesus.

All The Days Of My Life

2010-08-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

In my darkest hour - when looking at myself is not possible anymore because of all the shame - it is the most difficult thing to look into your eyes. I'm running away from you, trying to hide - in vain. Even the place I have not yet made up in my mind, the place to find refuge away from you, even there you already are. Where can I hide from you? Where can I find the place where your eyes will not find me?

I can not compare myself to others because they are not my standard. You are my standard and I want to keep it that way. Others laugh about me because I love your ways. I love your ways so much that I want to be with you all the time.

Why is it so hard to stay with you then? As soon as sin has entered my heart I can't even stand myself anymore. I have failed you, haven't I? I have completely missed it. Again.

Instead of running into your arms and fighting for my heart to trust you - and only you - I push you away...

...and you still keep calling me gently. Ever so gently. Such love - who can bear it? Tears are running down my face as I try to behold your beautiful love. You have spoken to my innermost being. You have touched that place in my heart no one else can touch. You never let me go. You keep your promises. You know what you want - you want me. All of me. All the days of my life.

And I want you, Jesus. All of you. All the days of my life. Not only because you have heard my cry when I was calling out to you but because you have first loved me and given your life for me so that I may live.

I may be at the beginning, I may be a total loser. But one thing I know: He loves me. All of me. All the days of my life. And one day I will see him in all his glory. I can't wait. He is so beautiful.

Is it my fault?

2010-08-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples."
— Mother Teresa

Life is unpredictable. We may think that everything should always be sunshine and butterflies, but that is just not the way life is. "Life isn't fair," as my dad used to say, and even though we think it should be, it never will be. This world is flawed, we, as humans are deeply flawed.

For a long time I wondered, along with much of humanity, how a God who is supposed to love us could allow the world to get so screwed up. How could he allow so many bad things to happen, all the wars, innocent children being used and sold as sex slaves, and I could go on and on.. I finally became so frustrated with that question, and not being able to ignore that those things absolutely do happen, are happening RIGHT NOW, that I found myself wanting to believe that there really was no God.

I tried so hard to believe that there was no God, I wanted so badly to lose my faith. I turned my back to him, and tried to find an answer for the world without him. Wow, that's a big burden for one person. One person can do nothing, except get even more frustrated, desperate, depressed and suicidal.

Well, to make a very long story short, I finally realized that it isn't God's fault that the world is so screwed up. Humans were created in the image of God, which means we have something called free will. We are not being controlled by God, we're making our own decisions. We have screwed ourselves, it's on us. So it's up to us to make things better in the world.

We need to learn to trust God, be willing to learn how to be like Jesus, and depend on each other. None of us can change the world alone, but if we can move beyond our limitations, pride, arrogance, and learn to work together, we can find a way to make the world a better place, one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is that it is one step at a time, one person at a time.

sheep (I changed it to 'lamb,' as the 'artist' I have that right, haha..), shepherd, wolf

2010-08-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

A little lamb named Edgar was walking along the path by the stream one day. He wanted to have some time alone, so he was getting further and further away from the flock with every minute. Shepherd Jim had told him many times not to go so far away from the flock, but Edgar really needed some space. Shepherd Jim had never told Edgar why he shouldn't be alone, so Edgar didn't think there was any good reason. He felt that Shepherd Jim was just trying to control his life.

Finally Edgar found a nice quiet place, where he could do some thinking, and maybe even figure out what he wanted to do with his life. So Edgar sat down between the stream and a big rock and began to ponder. He was really enjoying the quiet and the gurgling of the stream, it soothed him. After several hours he thought maybe he should go back to the flock, but he knew Shepherd Jim would be mad at him for leaving. Edgar didn't like having anyone mad at him, so he decided to spend the night there. Edgar found some fresh grass for dinner, and drank from the refreshing stream, then he went to sleep.

That night Edgar had a dream about his best friend from the flock, Norman. In his dream Norman was calling Edgar, looking for him, because he was lost. Norman was afraid, he thought Edgar was gone forever. Edgar wanted to run to Norman, tell him that everything was ok, but he couldn't, his legs wouldn't move, he couldn't get back to Norman. The rest of the night Edgar suffered very tormented sleep, dreamed scary dreams, but he couldn't wake up.

When morning finally came, Edgar got up and took a quick drink from the stream. Somehow it just didn't seem as refreshing as it had been the night before. Edgar was all alone, and he felt miserable. He wanted so badly to be with Norman and Shepherd Jim, so he decided that he would go back right away. It didn't matter anymore that Shepherd Jim would be mad at him, anything was better than being so alone.

Edgar began walking, and it seemed like it was taking so much longer to get back to the flock than it had taken for him to get away. Edgar's heart felt so heavy and sad, and as he walked he kept his head down so he wouldn't have to see the look of disappointment on Shepherd Jim's face.

Suddenly, as Edgar was walking along feeling sad and depressed, a wolf jumped out in front of him. Edgar immediately jumped away, but the wolf told him not to be afraid. The wolf said his name was Shawn. Shawn said that he was a vegetarian, so he didn't eat lambs. Shawn said he was just looking for a friend, and he was hoping that Edgar would give him a chance.

Since Edgar was raised to be a very nice and polite lamb, he decided it would be best to give Shawn a chance and be his friend. Shawn said he was headed toward the forest, and he wanted Edgar to go with him. Edgar hesitated because he really wanted to see Norman and tell him that everything was ok, but Shawn said they had to go now. So, off they went, the new friends were side by side, trotting toward the forest.

When they got to the forest Edgar asked what they would do next. Shawn said he knew of a place with very nice grass and berries that they could eat, then they could play in the shade, or take a nap. So they ate lunch, and then they played tag. Edgar was having so much fun that he forgot all about missing Norman, he loved his new friend Shawn. Soon he even forgot that Shawn was a wolf.

Soon it was getting dark, and time to go to sleep again. So Edgar and Shawn curled up next to each other and went to sleep. That night Edgar had another dream, even worse than the first. This time Norman was running around, frantically looking for Edgar. Even Shepherd Jim looked very sad.

Edgar woke up very early the next morning, and right away he decided he had to find his way home. So, without even saying goodbye to Shawn, who was still sleeping, Edgar started walking back home.

It didn't take long for Edgar to realize he was lost. He had no idea which way he needed to go to get home. He was so afraid, but he just kept walking. Then he ran, until he was too tired to run anymore. After what seemed like hours Shawn came running up behind him, he asked why Edgar had left him without even saying goodbye. Edgar explained everything to Shawn, and told him how bad he felt for leaving his flock.

Shawn was very understanding, and said he would help Edgar find his flock. So Edgar and Shawn went back to the place where they met the day before. From there Edgar was able to find his way back to his flock. Before they got back to the flock Shawn told Edgar that he wasn't going with him. Edgar protested, saying that Shawn was his friend now too, and he would miss him. But Shawn explained that Shepherd Jim would not understand, he would think that Shawn was there to eat all the lambs. Edgar realized he was right, so they said goodbye. Edgar felt bad as Shawn walked away, but he was so excited to see Norman again. He was still apprehensive about how mad Shepherd Jim would be, but it would be ok.

As Edgar came into view of his flock Norman was the first to see that he was back. Norman ran toward him, and jumped on him playfully. Then Norman told him how worried he had been, and asked why Edgar had left. Edgar told Norman all about his time away, and how much he had missed everyone in the flock.

When Shepherd Jim saw that Edgar was back, he wasn't mad at all. He had a huge smile on his face and ran to Edgar. He picked Edgar up and hugged him, and told him how much he loved him. Edgar felt so good to be home, and he never wanted to go off to be alone again..

..smile..

2010-08-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

mountain, flower, stream

2010-08-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to grow!! I'm not going to eat!"

She swung her pastel material around almost knocking another little one out.

"Ouch!" It clumpered. There wasn't much hope.

"All others know that growing is part of the process, Wilma. Eating is part of the growth process. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself.."

If her roots would not have been so deeply grounded she would have gotten up and left. She did feel the root-tips curling up, though.

Instead she just looked at the mountains and hoped her daughter would understand.

Wilma was one of seven who had been able to survive the winter. Nothing had hit them that strongly in the past two years.

Now it was time for summer and Wilma still didn't want to grow out her roots.

The stream nearby had the clearest water she imagined there was. Now...Wilma.

"Someday I'm going to die anyway." Wilma curled up like a baby flower and pretended she was tired. She was thirsty, very thirsty. Still, since the day she was confronted with the greatest loss in her short life she was not able to remember one good thing about life. The sun had come out and strengthend their lives from within. The stream brought forth water that made everyone burst out in beauty. Just Wilma.

It was a great loss. Her father had been trying to protect them from the cold winter and froze to death in one of the stormy nights. That day she didn't want to get up ever again.

Now her poor mother was trying so hard to get her to live again.

'I know she's trying...' Wilma thought.

'I guess I should be trying, too. It wasn't easy for her when Flava died.' She looked up at her mother who was still glancing at the mountains hoping for a miracle.

And this is when Wilma realized who her Flava really had been and who she was herself.

A flower. A flower to bloom and to live. In all her God-given beauty.

Boo..

2010-08-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, I can.. so there.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - YES, YOU CAN!!!!

Jen?

2010-08-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

My friend Jen can publish posts on here too. :D

Did you know...

2010-08-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

There is this one thing that daughters love most.

To be held by Papa.

There is one thing I love most.

To be held by Papa.

2010-07-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

...and God bless Eric.

Abba

2010-07-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

The Answer

2010-07-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Jesus is the answer to all of life's questions.

Come home.

Darkness And Light

2010-06-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Darkness doesn't mix with light.

Don't try. Others tried it over and over again. It just does NOT work.

I know that means horrible pain but leave the darkness and come into the light.

I know you are calling out for freedom. It's right here, in the light.

When you walk in the light you will have true fellowship. Believe me.

It's the key.

Shake the darkness off.

He is risen.

For good.

In Authority

2010-05-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

Whirlwinds howling, storms are up. Afternoon gone night. Darkness firce as stealth, my breath I hold in terror. Drunken, ruined I collapse, shielding my forhead against the untold power of fear. It slighty passes me, mockingly, as it turns and faces me cold as ice. Grinning in malicous glee, fighting - oh, no need, I stand bowing. To whom has been given authority? My all trembling, knees are bending, I look up - one last time. The strike I feel on my cheek is pulsating heat. Fire and ice meet. My body clenching, my heart racing, still, the question remains unanswered. One more blow and I'm dead, I mumble through paralizing pain. Awaiting the end, I hear it. That gentle whisper of the purest rain touches the rage inside of me. "It is you."

Suddenly my heart stops beating, mist surrounds me, a dream. The pain vanishes, grevious darkness can not withstand that glory forming inside of me. Called to trust in goodness I take the first step. There it is again! Incarnate fear or beauty everlasting, my will is challenged and succeeds. I rise as a new man. Fear now seems to tremble, can you see? As I take the next step it crawls on all four, away, away. He who is in me is indeed greater than he who is in the world.

Why

2010-05-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

The question "Why?" can be the beginning of tremendous horror. Fading away, she is sitting with her back against the sunset. Darkness seems to take hold of the path she has walked up to that hill. Or was it a mountain? Little rocks here and there, they would be the choir of dispair, she says out loud. Who has known that peace her heart is aching for and who has created that deafening hunger inside that reaches out for it? No one to blame. She tosses her head back in anguish, touches the sky with her silent cry. Skeletons of glee surrounding her, squeezing hard against her throat. Will you hear my cry? She dances the waltz of hades, glamour, she says. The letters still clothed in confusion, the word still hanging in the summer air... Why.

...may my heart not be seeking for the answer but holding on to your name. Jesus, in all that matters, you matter most.

Courage To Self

2010-05-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

"Have the courage to be honest to yourself."

Courage, yep, that's what it takes. The mirror I'm looking at reflects nothing but pain. The only way I can handle looking at it is knowing that He still keeps saying how He is so in love with me. Love is truly stronger than death. How many deaths have I died looking at this distorted picture and how much suffering did I cost to Him who made it possible for me to keep looking. Looking at my weak spots, looking at things I have done wrong, looking at failure and distrust.

He doesn't look at me that way. For some reason He finds beauty in this incredibly ugly picture. His filter separates all the stuff that tries to come between me and Him. Unbelievable how He does that. And the more He does the more I start seeing others the way He does. Phenomenal, I say. It's life we hit and the reality of it. Only Jesus knows how to look at something completely hopeless and say, "I love this!"

And with the affirmation of the One who wants me to live I get up this morning seeking Him in all things, leaving behind the memory of the ugliness I'm confronted with and my heart fills up with gratitude. Thank you for giving me the courage to look at myself and showing me your view on it. There is no other way I could possibly survive another day.

You are truth that makes free, I want to be free, I am called to be free.

Running

2010-05-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

It hurts so much when I turn away from you and try it my own way. This whole "my own way" has just gotten me in big trouble - and when I say big, I mean HUGE. Once again I reap the harvest - yes, by now it's a harvest again - of wrong choices and impatience. I want to cover my face in shame and not have to go out and live another day. Yet this voice is calling. Calling again. How gentle it is calling, can you hear it? It's calling me away from all frustration into arms of love. This is where I belong, this is the place I want to stay forever. How much you want me, I can not describe it. Your smile gives me the strength to get up and take a step... another one.. now I'm running.

You so want me to live and inhale that breath of life, you want me to succeed, you want me to dance. No shallow words but depth that touches the places no one knows but Him. You hear me, you listen, you call, you sing. You create while speaking, you give birth to will.

I love you and still I sing my own song, help me, Father, or I drown again. Holiness seeking, hope deferred, I ask for my Father who made heaven and earth. Love has come forth, birds fly the air, no wonder they call Him Savior. Peaceful, gentle, velvet and green, my Father has never forsaken me, He's taken me in. Where's the terrible storms, the horrors of life when in the arms of love all my fear dies. Glorious, glamorous, childlike and fun, the God of Israel has started to run. He's running down mountains and through the hills to catch me while I'm thirsty for whatever He wills. Thankful and craving for more I am standing before Him - eternally daughter, eternally His.

I love you.

Mended At Last

2010-05-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Once again I'm taken aback by how violently my emotions run my life. The trigger is set off and down the spiral she goes. Meaningless words, bittersweet comments, a decision made in fear. Fullness is lost in the battle to rule them. Who has given the power, such strength?

Is it not I who is called to reign? I was given the authority to withstand with style. Cowards have no place here.

Purified by love, called to speak and create, I fall to my knees to give glory to Him to whom all glory is due. No savage faith and no garbage belief fill the endless depth of a soul. I am trying to catch the words as they incarnate only to stand in horror of what substance they are made of. Let go now? The pain, the pain, it is knocking, no, now it is stealing away the security I just inhaled. The tears are streaming and my heart is aching for it to be filled.

Fullness, it is what You desire for me.

Fullness, it is what I desire for me.

In my agony my only cry is for You to fill me up. And there you are. Patiently, like velvet stroking my soul, and I drink of the never ceasing river of live. Where pain was eminent the Spirit finds His home. "Come and make your home in me." The broken heart is mended at last.

Hearts Awake

2009-10-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

No use. Tried it all. Don't belong here. Do not fit. Dreams keep vanishing, life keeps breathing shallow and all I can see is egotism rising. To those of you who believe, rise! Make it your highest priority to love Father and your neighbor. Get all the strength you need to be there for the lost and hurting. Frustration is not the key. Love is. Let frustration guide you to love's heart and melt your bitterness away for time is running out. Never before had "me" stood so much in the way. Kill it. Kill your desire to run your life by yourself. Give it up into love's hands. You will surely die. Why not die while seeing your dream come true? As you get deader by the hour you'll realize how much more of love is out there. Selfless love, a love that doesn't expect anything in return. True freedom. I'm not here to convince you. I'm here to be a voice among such few... ARISE and let the words of your Father become reality. Don't be satisfied by living of crumbs. Start asking your Father for more. He's crazy about giving. If it was for him, he'd have Christmas every day...

Hearts, awake to good deeds. Let your muscles get to work and you'll see, love will flow, like a river.....

Perfecting Holiness

2009-07-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

It is easy to find out others' faults and to bring the whole force of our mind to bear against them. It is delightful to expose vice and lampoon the follies of the age, adding a dash of wit to enliven it, or to preach virtue, with a little of the sugar of scandal to sweeten a painful tale. It highly gratifies some people when they can find a fault with some highly respected person. That is their forte, the strength of their genius, pulling to pieces what they could not put together and attempting to raise themselves by lowering others. But notice, the apostle says, "Let us cleanse ourselves." Oh, that we would all look at home! Oh, that we did more indoor work in this department! Our first business is to "cleanse ourselves". It is all very well to drag the church of God (The Most High God) up to the altar like some bleeding victim, and there to stab her with the sharpest knife of our criticism and to say that she is not that. One might rather ask, "How far do I help to make her what she is? If she is degenerate, how far is that degeneracy consequent upon my having fallen from the high standing that I should have occupied?" We shall all have contributed our quota to the reform of the church when we are ourselves reformed. There can be no better way of promoting general holiness than by increasing in personal holiness.

Spurgeon (A Passion For Holiness In A Believer's Life)

Loss

2009-07-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

Daily struggle. Who said it's going to be easy?
My heart seems to be crying on a continuous basis.
A loss is hard to describe when all you have is emotions.
First, nothing seems to make sense. Then you start seeing what you come out of and you literally shout for joy. New freedom is won. New hope is rising, a hope for a good future. You start climbing that mountain that will lead you out of the valley. Half way, after you have overcome so called invincible hindrances, you are held back by everything that is reaching out for you from the close past. What in the world?! All you want to do is give up and sit down. Take time to reconsider. Why shouldn't I turn back to Egypt. I mean, I had my problems but still, I had company with others who are suffering the same fate. I wasn't all alone. Look at me now...

...as I'm turning to walk back a still small voice breathes into my heart: "I'm here with you and we will overcome together. We will walk this path together with Joy. Stick with me and I promise, you will know what true freedom is."

Hesitation is what will take the chance of moving forward. I learned. So I grabbed that promising word and looked up. Yes, that mountain was huge. Dismay is a well-known companion. I had to kick it goodbye. Wasn't nice at first since it had become somewhat like a friend. When Joy arrived, though, I knew I had not really lost anything.

This Is How I Want To Be Loved

2009-04-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

(Sigh)

After that the only thing I could do was cry. Something had happened inside of me that I had not expected. A deep longing claimed to be heard and I gave in. As the tears are running I turn to my Maker. Such Love, I say, is what I seek. Binding over the distance, binding through circumstances, binding me to one heart. Just like I was tattooed on His heart and that's why He finds me anywhere I go.

Love that keeps looking out for me, eagerly waiting every day to meet me. No selfish motive, no, on the contrary, it's always the other that matters. And so the miracle happens. I believe it's true.

After He has tried to tell me so many times, after He has gone through hell just to let me know how much He wants me, after years of wooing and desiring me without success.. He is still there, everyday, waiting for me. Longing for me. Such love, I say, is what I'm looking for.

After I have said no, numerous times, after I yelled at Him to leave me alone, after I did my own thing and ended up in misery... He is still there and His love feels even more true.
I don't deserve this. And again I'm willing to turn away because I can't take it. Inside of me I silently cry, though...

Jesus, only you can love that way.

Perfect World

2009-02-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

All my life I dreamt of a world that will never be. I dreamt of peace, I dreamt of joy and laughter but none of it lasted to keep.
I wondered about and came across what looked like it and immediately I called it my own. I held it tightly never to lose it again. This world looked just like what I thought I had dreamt of. So much to imagine, so much to look forward to. I lost myself in this world where I spun around to see even further and deeper into my illusion.
I don't call pain my companion but for some reason it believes it is.
Clouds of depression kept reaching out their filthy hands in order to pour their darkness over me. No questions asked, no request made. Now I'm tumbling.
Sometimes confusion leaves us in better shape than understanding the reality of what has happened. Hungry faces, blind eyes.. all physical pain is easier to carry than the ice-cold in-your-face rejection. Humans.
We as humans tend to hurt one another in ways no one ever understands. The one who supposedly loves the other only seems to see the weak spots in the other. They decide to rather live lives that do not in the least fulfill any of their dreams and give up hope, give up on one another to further help destroy my world of peace.
I'm left again in this mess.
Hope?

...

2008-07-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

I really need to go to bed.

Forever I Will Be

2008-07-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

For some people I seem to be some kind of a heroine. For others, just the opposite.
One day, I feel like a heroine, on another, failure is written all over my face as I pick up the pieces that were once the picture of a beautiful vessel - filled with courage to conquer the world.
Grace is the word that literally made me to be the woman I am calling myself. Grace has reached out once again to brokenness. Brokenness has torn me apart, has brought up the evil and placed a choice right in front of my face. I grabbed it - it was gone. I ran, now I was willing to choose.

Elohim, I'm yours. Take the evil and make me to that vessel who was once ready to conquer, ready to win. You made me queen. You made me rise up and fight the battle of faith. You gave me a name.
Your name.

I was yours. I am yours. Forever I will be.

Well Of Tears

2008-05-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

How deep is this well of tears? How many more to come? Running, almost like a race - but who can win? Winning has become rare. Failing is my daily success. Who is satisfied? Not her. Not him. Will this be the ongoing battle - or has it been all this time..?
My life filled with tears of failure ready to run... run down a face that you can't see. Too hard, she said, can't take it. Another burden, another life destroyed. Oh, you think I'm talking about my own life? No... I destroyed the one. It's me who has to look into failure's eyes each day and to fight the tears that keep knocking. What are words when they are spoken in agony. What are words of life spoken by a lifeless person? I'm reaching to the sky - silence.

Yes, I'm hurting. This time, it's over, though. No more. Too many people I try to please. Too much I take up on myself.

Jesus. Your turn now.

Teaching

2008-02-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

How come I still have to learn so much after spending 13 years of my life in school? And why is it that I never learned those things in school that I have to learn now the hard way? Slowly opening my eyes, I notice myself watching how life passes and comes to a standstill. I want to run, want to jump, scream, laugh, cry... nothing. All I can do now is watch. And I'm watching in agony.

Wasted? So much time. Yes, we go through phases where it's harder to practice fruitfulness but in the long run clarity establishes in the mind's eye. And now I'm back to the same lesson I was taught before. Only this time, I can see it coming, since I've been there. Done that. Never made it.

Who orchestrates that lesson and still oversees seemingly endless that life which is formed in and through the same? Can it not only be God, the Father who in His mercy knows the true meaning of "giving another chance"? I feel humbled as the thought of love wraps itself gently around my mind. With nothing in my hands I find myself listening to the call to embrace the future and its hope for my heart's desire to become like Him.

Another teaching. Will I make it this time? Will the golden dust remain or will ashes cover dried tears? I wait longing. He knows my heart.

Living Love

2008-01-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried to stick with a certain group of people not because you had to but you wanted to? Have you then ever felt like your decision was wrong and the better way to deal with the issues that naturally come up is to walk away from that group? Have you done it and found out that this is not the solution? Have you wondered what in the world might be the right way to deal with it?

Well, I've been there. At least in my heart. I have not walked away yet but in my heart I did many times because of the frustration that rose to invincible strength.

When people live or work together closely they will naturally rub shoulders. Many times one decides to leave in order to "fix" the issue that came up. Some times one decides to stick with it and tries to find a solution.

How can one actually know when to stick and when to leave?

I found that when you have been with the group long enough to be able to tell how they tick you are able to see where you are wrong and where they are wrong. That means, it's not always their fault when something goes wrong. When you are willing to let God show you the things that are not ok in your life you will see how possible it is to stay with a group that is not perfect either.

"Whom much is forgiven loves much."

Love is the answer for people with issues. First we embrace God's view over us and then we share it with others - always works.

I stayed.

Where Is God In The Midst Of This?

2007-11-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

When I think about the numerous problems people could have there just seems to be no end. There is no end. Problems are a part of life. Life consists of problems that need to be solved.
Different people take care of their problems differently. Some of them work hard at their problems in order to get them solved, more people, though, try to handle them quickly and immaturely but most of them try to avoid mentioning them.

Going through life - as young and immature as I am - I have observed a lot of cases being handled in the most immature way: via avoidance. I was confronted with it almost daily. It hurts to not know what's going on and to not be able to solve a problem since the "opponent" has no interest whatsoever in doing so. While your heart beats loudly for a mutual understanding the opposition grows into an emotional distance. More pain. Now you need to fight or bitterness sets in. Seen it, experienced it, gosh, it's life.. and not even at it's worst!

Part of you starts reasoning (wasted energy) and part of you is seeking greater wisdom (The Most High God). The trouble in reasoning is usually your energy is getting really low and you stop seeking wisdom. You find logical answers and your heart hardens. Wisdom withdraws - heck, yeah, she still is that gentle...

Time goes by.

You start wondering why God is not answering, why He seems so far away. You start questioning your experiences with this great God.. but the worst is: You start asking yourself - where is God in the midst of this?

Truth is: You let your mind decide over your emotional state. You let unforgiveness harbor and your heart was closed towards the gentle wisdom of a loving Father.

I wondered what was wrong with me. Now I know. Sometimes I just need to write it out and I can see clearer..

Friend of God

2007-11-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my. It's haunting me. I read it and had to read it again and again. How is this possible? So simple but then again so stinking hard!

Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness. And he was called the friend of God.
However Abraham had done it - read it, if you don't believe me: James 2:23 - that faith is worth attaining.

Imagine, you a friend of God. What is the definition of friendship? "co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans" and "a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem and affection"...
And THAT is what Abraham had? I want that too!

Abraham believed God. That's it. God told him something and he believed it, acted on it. If this is what it takes, I truly desire it.

Come along. It will be an interesting journey!

Let's Go Through It All

2007-10-29T02:37:00.000-07:00

Life is full of lessons to be learned. My thoughts to that are merely: Let's go through them all and believe that when you meet the One who orchestrates tests and trials you will look at the most beautiful picture He has ever painted in you....

Just recently I was confronted with my own prideful attitude towards someone who claimed to have the right to hold a grudge against God. I was so angry and hurt to see him act the way he did. Why is it that people who fall in love with God fall back into old habits and choose to let God be mocked by their own lifestyle...? I really didn't have the answers to that. I was so frustrated that I talked to someone about it. She held a mirror to my face and simply said: You are so proud, girl.

It hit home. I fell to my knees and confessed the pride I had ministering to my soul for decades (it seems). Things became very clear to me and what I had done.

I forgot about my own struggle I had just come out of. God is not the one to blame. He is the one who guides, celebrates with you, enjoys you, walks with you, holds you up in the middle of a storm, gives grace to the humble... but opposes the proud. When you let pride rise in your heart - and there are many ways that can happen - God seems so distant. It's our wall of pride that makes it impossible for God to continue to be the closest friend He offers Himself up to be for you and me. And the river of love that usually flows is interrupted harshly.

I could see the people I had hurt because of pride which then produced that kind of sorrow in me that results in true repentance... God's goodness flooded me and I was again just daughter of the Most High.

Peace.

Only God can do a work in that kind of depth that results in true healing. Let's hold onto God when questions arise and things seem to not make sense. He will guide us through it all and will work in our hearts to create beauty that is simply not of this world!

what do you think?

2007-10-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

My response to someone who had a similar experience:

yes, you are right. we all have a free will and sometimes use it to make stupid decisions. but that's something that makes us human or keeps us human...

i believe that when things like that happen it is always another opportunity to learn how God loves and sees us. there is no way he would look at us and be ashamed of us. on the contrary, now you can come broken and ready for deeper work. when you have gone through it you will shine even brighter... that's my life motto, by the way. or else i wouldn't be able to stick around for much longer...

God has His ways of molding the hearts of His children. as we come and obey Him more and more we will run into things that will tear down the fakeness of our self-constructed plastic walls... uncovering the real problem behind them. then, we can choose: many choose to close up even more and build up massive constructions so that pain and humiliation won't be fed or reached at any point. in that area we become stone cold hard rock.

but happy is the man who chooses to let God break that inside open and let's you see your evil intentions, your shame, your humiliation, your terror or anger... etc.. and then you can hold it up to God. He can touch, mend, purify... etc do His glorious thing and then give you a heart that is pounding with God's glory in that area.

don't let the person who hurt you determine your worth. we need God to determine our value and let Him surround us with His purifying fire. everytime we run to someone else but God for consolation and healing we will only get something that cures the symptoms. don't you hate it!
learn to go to God and have Him reveal the dirt to be able to deal with it. it might take longer but it will be so much deeper and so glorious - i love it everytime i walk out of it again - after a lot of pain, of course.

this world today doesn't want to suffer pain. it's looking for the superficial way in order to avoid the real pain. but to go through pain allows you to mature in God and to become more and more like Jesus... that alone is worth it all... in the pain you know God deeper - everytime. it's so worth it. it's so good.

what do you think?

Roller Coaster

2007-09-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

Well, how should I start? Life has been pretty much like the worst roller coaster experience you've ever had and that solely on the emotional side of it too!

I guess you could call it self inflicted torture. One day you decide to give a very important piece of your heart away. This time you have thought it over, you have actually managed to talk to different people about it and you even blessed the decision to go for it with full force. With a whole load of courage you take the first step - the hardest part. As a woman, you usually want the opposite sex to be the initiator but in today's world things aren't usual anymore.

Timidly you ask... and... there is a response! And it's even positive.
You take the next step. You see the chance and walk right into it. How truly amazing, he finds the idea wonderful. Encouraged to take the next step - no, this time you are flying! - you walk on even more confidently - this time right into hell.

Who would have thought? Having played with the idea, having layed it out - as a normal woman does - having danced upon the thought of the "more than" and having even dreamed about a together... now hell breaks loose as he says, "I don't feel anything! I'm sorry."

A heart shattering into millions of pieces, a hope deferred. A life lived through many hard times stands still in a moment like that. And nothing. Your first reaction might be, "No, you can't give up now!" or maybe you can see right through it (for the more advanced! I don't envy you at all..) and you say it as it is: "What an a.......!"
Some of us take longer in figuring those things out... some have a natural way of seeing right through the schemes of man. And this is not to say that men are in general the bad ones. Women can be just as bad.

So back to the story. Roller coasters have been a great invention. They make you scream of terror when it goes down and then make you get all excited when it slowly goes up - just like how it is in real life. Slowly something develops into something exciting of which you have no idea what turn it might take and what will happen when that turn comes - positive or negative. And then all of a sudden you find yourself screaming and kicking, trying for your life to hold on... since there is no control and nothing else left but the steady, fast and furious ride straight into an emotional hell.

Life is a risky thing. And let me tell you what: It can hurt really really bad. It will rip you to shreds and leave you bleeding on the sidewalk. No mercy. "Sorry, I just don't feel anything."

You have felt that way? You have been through more than one? Congratulations, you have survived. Now live with it. Enjoy!

Yes, that was a bittersweet statement. I do come back to my heavenly Father who now plays a vital role. He needs to help me now to overcome fear, rejection, jealousy and wicked thoughts who constantly bug me. My mind is filled to the overflow with vengance and evil thoughts which scare me at times.

The battle is on, guys! Fight for your life to NOT get bitter and to forgive - yes, yourselves also!
Fight the good fight of faith, leaning on the Beloved, training your heart to see and hear Him who leads you into the promised land. Nothing else matters. He is your All in All. Do not try something less valuable. It will lead to more trouble. Be encouraged to dare. Dare to live life to the fullest even though you just got kicked bad!

And pray for me.

Learning by Doing

2007-06-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

It's been so long it seems like it doesn't fit anymore to write anything worth reading....
So.. what's new, party people?
I have actually learned a lot the past months... started working in a pretty new field. My boss has a boss who has a boss kind of work. And they all boss me around.

Humility.

Peace in the midst of pain.

Grace.

Forgiveness.

Great words - now put into action. Was about time.

Frailty

2007-04-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

My conscience is as frail as every man made rule. Yes, that's what I just figured. Without God I have no standard to follow but His law is written into my heart. These two collide. Endless misery. Without His precepts I have no guidance. Without His Spirit I walk in vain. Lord, God, have mercy on my poor soul. I have sinned before You, I have made Your name a mockery before my enemies. They have spat on Your name and beaten me until I gave in and called You a lie. Oh, how my sin is constantly before me threshing my frail trembling heart. Where would I go if it wasn't for You? You looked upon me in compassion and called me daughter. You lifted me up and shed Your blood to wash me clean. You raised the poverty of my soul to love's overflow and created in me the most beautiful picture - your face.

Nothing Without You

2007-04-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

Driving down the road. How many times have I told you that I have nothing. I have nothing to give. I have nothing in my hands. That's how I come to You. Don't You know that I have nothing and that I am nothing without You? You told me so, now I am feeling the reality of those words. Nothing I have makes a difference. Nothing that I am changes the world. Now I met You and You tell me that I have everything and more in You? Will I be able to grasp that truth before it's over?
Where do I start, Great I AM?

I'm giving it all to You. All the nothingness and the emptiness that filled my life leaving only questions. Now I'm being touched in my innermost being with infinity and a hope that rises with every breath I take. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I AM is present to heal, to mend, to mold and to hold me.

Fully surrendered with all that I call my own You are coming to be reality and truth in one. Songs are starting to play louder within me, honoring You and what You have done for me. Something sweet rises from within filling the heart and mind with adoration to I AM. There it is, the depth that I was designed for, the fullness I was meant to drink from to the overflow.

Have Your way. I'll always be nothing without You.

Seriously Fasting

2007-04-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

Just been treated at McDonald's. Seriously. When was the last time I was about to fast earnestly for something and someone wasn't offering me to pay for food or invite me to a huge dinner for free or whatever.

God, you are trying to tell me something, aren't you?

Seriously, every time I go on a fast that happens to me.
So, I'm going to make a statement. I will let you know how much of it will actually be reality but here it comes: I will fast until Friday- only liquids. From right now. (Monday, 11:15am)

See ya, people of this world.

[By the way - it was awesome! Especially the results!]

Too Good To Be True

2007-03-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I can't seem to let go of something that's not mine in the first place?
As soon as the desire was awakened my heart clung to it. Thoughts flooded my mind and created pictures too good to be true. The sky grew brighter and life started to turn toward a stifled purpose still lingering where I left it. Nothing could bear the sight of what was slowly pushing its way to the surface of my feelings - where did this one this time come from?

It was just a glance. Just a thought. Just a possible idea.

That's all it takes and I can run with it a 1,000 miles. That's it - I can paint a million pictures and draw reality into my heart even though it fades not too long after if not nourished by confirmation... again and again.
If not kept up by sparks of hope it turns into a sour tasting misery corrupting even the last bit of glory.

How many times have I gone through this? Still wondering I choose to surrender in order to be freed of pain. It's painful when your hopes have been diminished or even turned against you in its worst ways. Still, a voice keeps on speaking gently, "Keep up your hopes, it won't be a dream forever..."

I start hoping again. Where will these hopes lead me?

Take "Me" Away

2007-03-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

I wonder at how little I actually trust God for who He truly is.
He can do anything. He doesn't do everything we ask for, though - it would be a disaster.

Again I'm sitting here pondering thoughts that drive me nuts because I can't seem to get a hold of any quality stream floating through my brain. Streams of thoughts that make no sense and actually prove the greatness of God over and over again. Who am I to understand God in His fullness? Will He not keep me "a little lower than the angels"? My head hurts from trying to make out who He really is. My mind can't grasp it - so then, where might I start to know something?

I lean back on my chair, resting, as though my body stopped hard labor for a few minutes. As I let the thoughts vanish one by one my body relaxes.
"It's the heart, girl."
I knew it but only in my head. The place to know a King like Him is your very heart. The very core being of who you are. The innermost, the utmost, the very "I" of oneself. There He reveals Himself. He is looking for your "Me" to be out of the way so that your "I" comes up to meet Him.

"Then take 'Me' away, my Lord, ...I want to be with You!"

For All Worth

2007-03-20T03:59:00.000-07:00

I know I can get pretty repetitious when it comes to investing into people. Now that I am learning first hand what that means I tell you it's gotten even more important than ever. People who are labeled as disfunctional, misfits and not worth the effort, so to speak, are being thrown at my feet. God has His hand in all of it I'm a 100% sure. He knows how little I know about handling kids who are into pretty bad habits at a tender age. Still, they keep coming and asking for bread - why would I cast them off and soothe my conscience with some pretty weak excuse to not care?

There is no excuse. Especially if it's God-ordained.

So as they come and as I throw myself at God in utter dependency for His hand to move and to act leaving His trace of glory behind and not mine lives change right in front of my eyes.

Worth. We measure worth with what we see and we want to see it quickly! Blessed is the man who waits upon the Lord. Endurance is a rare thing but it's worth it. Waiting to see what's truly of worth has been something I got caught up with. May we understand that even in a time where everything seems to run by us as if there was no time left no more that God has time in His hands. And waiting on Him is still worth it. So worth it.

Final

2007-03-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

There are certain things in life that can truly touch you - if you want it or not. Pictures of starving children with big bellies somewhere in Northern Africa, when your mom yells at you and you feel like your heart is tearing apart, when the sun goes down and the color display is overwhelming, when all is white on Christmas Day, when he finally kneels before you with the most georgous engagement ring or when you lose a loved one. Of course there are many more but the last example is something I want to get into a little more...

Losing a loved one doesn't necessarily mean that person died. Losing someone close to you - maybe even your family - could mean, you converted away from your traditional beliefs and now your family claims to have never known you: You lost your loved one.
It could as well mean that your wife leaves you for another man: You just lost a loved one.

There is again a lot to go into but let's stay with the following example.
You are watching with your own eyes the closure of a loved one toward you and the rest of the world. The walls are being built up as I'm writing and I can do absolutely nothing. All the care in the world would not hold back the eager determination of that loved one to continue the building and the marching on in total loneliness. Noise pushes away thoughts that keep reminding your loved one on how much he is appreciated and how much he is loved. Work keeps her busy as she cannot allow herself to humble herself and ask for help. He doesn't even want to go there anymore. She let's herself go. The final touch has been done and now he can leave the world behind. What good could ever become of her?

Slowly tears are running down my face. I have not felt that numb in years. Helpless do I give over my loved one into the hands of the Almighty God. May he guide her. May He protect her. May He draw her close to His heart. Finally I get up and push away all numbness. Life has to go on. She hasn't died yet, has she?

Friendship

2007-03-06T03:02:00.000-08:00

When have you last spoken to a friend, someone you trust, someone you know you can open up to and be yourself not caring how pathetic your words may sound?

I realized that friends are truly a treasure one must keep.

As soon as I decided in my heart that I couldn't open up to anyone I closed off all possibilities of finding a friend in whom I could trust. I gave myself no room for the depth that I was missing out on and I created for myself a superficial identity - someone who didn't even exist.

Being miserable for years and constantly crying out for the hearty exchange - the mark of a true friendship - I lost myself in a fog that was making my truest desires and unique views disappear, one after the other.

Nothing would satisfy.

Recently I (again) decided to stop running from vulnerability and open up to people who I did not know very well but had the strong desire to be connected with. I had not allowed myself to open up that much but was positively surprised that it was possible and that there are people who do have their views and opinions but still invite yours.

I felt like I could fly. Heavy burdens that had been sitting on my shoulders had left and turned into hope. Those people are not there every single day but they are there when things get tough and when you need to talk or even when you feel like you need some quality time (we women are known for that) in conversation.

I have decided to keep my heart open towards them and to learn of my true identity by exchanging my heart with another. It will be exciting but will also bring up things I might not like about myself and things I will have to deal with. Finally I am learning to work on my character - the other side of a Christian walk.

Join me!

Forever Thankful

2007-03-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

I guess it was about time I'd learn another lesson. God, in His infinite mercy granted me an opportunity to seek out His will, knowing I would succeed.

A possibility and the given means to withstand God's will and I was on my way to hell. I didn't mean to but still willingly thrust my sword of rebellion right into my Lover's heart by turning away from His countenance and seeking of which I did not know the outcome.

Trusting rather in matter than the fulfilling desires of a pure heart I ran. Who but God would be able to interfere? He sent His messenger, Restlessness, who would take me away into the dryness of His desert. The threshing was sickening. I could not bear it much longer.

Compelled by His mercy and stricken with fear I turned to my Lover covering my face.
I came with nothing in my hands to return with extravagant joy. He, to whom all glory belongs, searched my heart and set it free at last.

Who but the Almighty would lavish His love upon the sight of a broken vessel?

With love and sovereignty I was accepted - with grace released. Forever thankful I stand.

"Crazy Girls"

2007-01-29T02:31:00.000-08:00

This is one girl leading a dance group without any help from others or older ones. She came to the pastor's wife and aksed permission to start a Hip Hop Dance Group. The lady told her she couldn't do it unless she had 5 other girls and had to do it by herself. So she did. And this is what became of it. Enjoy.

(This is at church when we had our inauguration ceremony of the church. The mayor and many other representatives of other denominations were there also.)

Jesus Washes Feet

2007-01-29T01:43:00.000-08:00

Speaks for itself.

Mood

2007-01-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

No Progress

2007-01-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

Interesting. Since I wrote the last post I have not progressed much in that regard. I was wishing for it, longing for it. Seriously, it was a deep desire and it's still there. It seems so hard to get there, though. Asking what I must be doing wrong seems to be the incorrect way to get back there. "Therefore there is no condemnation for those..." - is it really that hard?

I want true conviction again. Repentance that changes my walk and my view. Real stuff. May He grant it to me. I sure need it.

Come Home

2006-12-21T02:45:00.000-08:00

Come home, man. Just come home. No fighting anymore, no resisting, no pushing away forcefully what's freely offered to you. Just take His hand, let Him guide you to the place of rest. He is everything you need and ever wanted. You are welcome. Just come home.

I Pray

2006-12-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

I draw near to You, You draw near to me. You're calling me on to a higher place. As children run to their father's voice give me open ears to hear You call.

That I may live by Your Word to be all I'm called to be. I call on Your name I need You, my God. That I may live by Your Word, holy, devoted to You. I call on Your name, I need You, my God.

I pray.

When It Gets Late

2006-12-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

So, as you can tell - I have been neglecting blogger almost all the way. This backsliding has a reason. The reason, though, as tough as it sounds, is not used as an excuse, my friend. As always, my affair with myspace does not inlcude any kind of obligations - oh, no! - it is simple volunteer work, I guess. I am now enrolled in the university of space. I chose two majors: Writing and searching. Maybe when I'm done I will be a scientifical journalist or even a journaling scientist. Whatever it will be, I am quite content with any title as long as it isn't something I would not be able to live with. That shouldn't be of any concern to you, my friend. I will manage. And thank you again for listening. I guess I needed that time in space to recover from all the bad feelings...

Just Something

2006-12-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Hey there people of this world!

Today we hung up sum lights. That was fun. I like those little christmas lights.
No, I'm not gonna write about light right now.
I am just going to enjoy the light and go to bed early.

Why is it that it seems as if I couldn't get to bed early? Maybe because I just don't get much to do during the day... :)

Anyway, times will change. That's for sure. I guess Tuesday I will know more about my involvement in the local church out here. Teens. Great age. Pray for me... :)

And for those who I told I wouldn't wanna be a youth pastor in Michigan - I guess you can run but you can't hide...

Well, I guess that's all for today. I need to learn to be a little less intense. Was that good? Leave me a comment! :)

Be blessed!

Just A Thought

2006-11-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, last post for this month. Time went by, unbelievable. When I think about how much time I "invested" into thinking about myself... I could seriously get sick on that one. Now things have changed. I have changed. Jesus has changed me. I believe that the next month will be a little bit of an eye opener especially for me but also for a lot of people around me - concerning life, time and the little daily details of our lives. We have become a pretty seriously engaged people, engaged in selfishness which is incredibly great that everything - I mean everything - evolves around me. Even God gets that special place next to the ME. Wow, that's pretty bad, isn't it? This, to be quite honest with you, is a big NO-NO in the Kingdom of God. My niece would understand that one. We grown-ups think we know it so much better but we so do not. If we would become like little children - not only talking innocence and faith and all that but also that simple understanding of things. The sun is bright and warm on my skin. God made it and I like it. I mean stuff like that.
KEEP IT SIMPLE, PLEASE!!! That's the cry of my heart for this over-educated, pseudo-intellectual world that puts pressure on people who aren't that fast and mentally capable as the elite... come back, oh simplicity. We, the elite need a simple Gospel of love just as much as those who wouldn't even get half of what's in the Bible... and we would understand how selfishness is not included in the message.

A Heart Melted

2006-11-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

Now talking about warming the heart... I just had a friend tell me how her brother's heart melted from being hard as a rock for quite some time. I can tell you this is an amazing miracle of God Himself. No one else can do that. I am thrilled! Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. Please, if you would, pray for my friend's brother because he needs a lot of encouragement now to keep his heart soft. He is such an awesome person, he loves Jesus. When he expresses his love for Jesus there is no stoppin' you!!! :)

YEAH!

In Memory...

2006-11-27T03:18:00.000-08:00

Always loved the cello. If you have never heard one before, please, you need to hear the sound of one. One of those heart-warming instruments that must be God-inspired - at least the invention of it.

Touchy, I Guess

2006-11-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

Life takes different turns and things you assume to be never start existing, and things you never dreamed of suddenly become one of your worst nightmares. I have never been physically damaged and looking at medical results I was always fine - top of the list. Compared to what's going on inside, though, friend, it's a mess. I wonder how many people can relate to that. Probably just you. That's fine. It's just us, but it's comforting to know, isn't it, there is another one besides me. So I'm writing to you, my friend.

Emotional stuff gets me. I always hated those emotion-packed movies. Couldn't stand inner-relational conflict on TV, less in real life. Hated the smile right after something was broken inside of my heart - the smile that tries to portrait the happiness that was just lost... sometimes even without use of words.

Hardness of heart is the issue. Man, that is the one thing I am fighting, my friend. Coldness, ice-cold and hard as a stone, no sign of life or warmth. What a hopeless state. The warning still rings in my ears... "Their hearts will grow cold.."..."Many will fall away.." - NO! Isn't there someone who knows? Friend, fellow fighter, this has got to stop! The process is going on unhindered and very fast.. in a downward spiral.

The heart! Who can save that heart? Who can touch that heart and warm it up again - it will die if it won't have warmth!!! Friend, my friend, are you turning your head away? ...What? You cannot help me? Don't...! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh... Is there anybody! The heart! The heart!

Slowly, my friend is walking off. Left is a heart caught by two hands that are rubbing that ice-cold heart. Those hands are very warm. Very gentle. Mmmm... feels good. Jesus had heard that cry. Man, sometimes you think He is gone but He was right there the whole time.

The Result

2006-11-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

While reading through Romans I discovered another truth that can so easily be misunderstood. I have not yet fully grasped that one but I am on my way! :)

I put two different versions of one verse that I found which made me wonder a bit...

Romans 6:22 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

22 But now, since you have been liberated from sin and become enslaved to God, you have your fruit, which results in sanctification —and the end is eternal life!

Romans 6:22 (Worldwide English (New Testament))

22But now you have been made free from wrong ways and you have been made God's slaves. You are made good and you will live for ever.

When I read this I started thinking about the "Holiness Message" that I had heard for quite some time. Is all good but for some reason I felt under pressure to perform in certain ways so that holiness would be present first and all the "minor" things would come after that. This resulted in continuous striving for something I could never achieve - like the story of Sisyphos (Greek Myth) who worked on something so hard to find out that just before he would have made it he had to start over again. This repeats itself forever. That's how it felt. I was working on something I was not made to be able to gain through myself - I was made to find the One who freely offers it to me. By saying, "You are my Lord, my Savior, my King. I want to serve You from now on!" And also by presenting myself to Him, for good works.

It wasn't meant for us to find a way to set ourselves free - that's the main concern of religions all over the world - it was meant for us to walk a way of total dependence on God who sent His Son to set us free. Who also gave us the Holy Spirit to help us walk that way. We out of ourselves can do nothing. We are absolutely dependend on this loving God. When we realize that we can rest in and trust that truth we have gained so much! The kicking, screaming, doubting, hard-hearted God-blaming person turns into someone who acknowledges dependency on the true Father and finds peace deep within.

I am made good. I can not make myself good. It takes Jesus Christ to make me good through excepting the work He has done for me. Now, that, is pretty hard to grasp. Is true, though. Now it's on me to trust in that fact. I know who can help me: He Himself.

To Have A Bun In The Oven

2006-11-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Yup. And this is exactly what I mean. Just watched "Walk The Line" which made me think about another topic that I have heard so little about. James, yeah, let's go to James... how did he put it?

First Chapter..

12Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

13Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one.

14But every person is tempted when he is drawn away, enticed and baited by his own evil desire (lust, passions).

15Then the evil desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully matured, brings forth death.

16Do not be misled, my beloved brethren.

Alright, my point. I was just sitting there thinking of how addicted we are to rejection and abandonment that we seek to follow that feeling and its comfort for so long - we don't even recognize it anymore for what it is. "When the evil desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin." First, it has to conceive, right? And how does that happen? When you follow that impulse, that thought, that "rightful" feeling that another person just happened to make you feel... rejected.

I want to explode inside of my.. well, insides! How incredibly blind we can be to what freedom we've been offered in Jesus Christ our Savior. We walk around feeling all miserable and rejected, neglected, abandoned, cast away... etc. and we know even a ton more words to describe that absolute egotistic feeling. That's why I understand why I had to kneel in repentance before my God who was scorned and went through the worst a human soul could endure. I do NOT have to follow that stinking thing anymore. I am free because Jesus set me free!

Hearts Move

2006-11-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

Today I was moved again by the most horrid stories of persecuted Christians who won't deny their love for Jesus. While I was watching and listening I did some thinking about myself again... How I'm denying Christ in so many situations just because I'm so stinking proud or self-centered or even worse: indifferent. Oh no, I could lose my face... didn't even have one. Gosh.. really now. It does give you a way different perspective when you are willing to hear, to share in the suffering of those who belong to your family - the body of Christ. Those who are being tortured for loving the One who died to set them free - doesn't that sound kind of paradox? Well, it isn't. That's what we make of it because of that stinking humanism doctrine.

As I was watching a lady testify of one of the worst places (concentration camps and such) in the world for Christians to be alive I was once again shaken up in my innermost being to pray. I mean that kind of prayer that moves the heart of God. I don't mean a nice little prayer spoken loud enough so that people can hear. I want the Father in heaven to hear and His heart to be touched, His arm to be moved and His face to turn to those who are in uttermost dispair. I don't want to sit thinking about how I might make it in the world of greed and materialism. I don't want to keep on thinking of how to be someone in a world of superficiality where right is wrong and wrong is right. I want to touch His heart so bad. Even if that means my eyes might be swolen up when I go to work or study. Who cares? There are people who are locked up beaten up, half frozen to death and I am concerned about how I look???

Anyway, this is my desire, to be moved by what God's heart is moved and to move when He calls me to go. Come, join me in standing in the gap for those only God can reach at this moment. He is moved by our heart's cry. If He cares for the sparrow how much more will He hear us when we ask Him to move in love and mercy towards His children all over the world. Thank you.

"World-Peace-Crazy"

2006-11-10T13:24:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting again here in front of my computer, thinking, what next. Not exactly what next in life... more, what next to write about. I love my family. Have I ever told you? I really do. They are all incredibly special to me. Even with their little weird character traits. Yes, you read correctly: With all the human inperfections that might be there. They are still family. So family that you would not be able to deny it one bit. And listen, my friend: If there is anything you can not deny, it's your flesh and blood being your family. So, my advice is, you better accept that fact and start loving your brother, sister, mother and father or there will always be place for some kind of war. Since the world is "world-peace-crazy" I'd say that this little advice would help a whole load... unless you are some selfish little pig who eats off of other people's kindness and completely misses the point of sharing. BUT, as usual we have both kinds of people in the world. That shouldn't discourage you - on the contrary, now is the time to show the world what true love is and where we can get it from. You know what I'm talking about: Selfless love!!! You got it.

Butterfly

2006-11-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

They have always fascinated me. Enjoy!

Something To Share

2006-11-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

I just had to put that in here. I love to look at it and so I thought I'd share it with ya'll. :) This is part of Tel-Aviv in Ìsrael (for those who don't know and those who always wanted to go there but haven't yet..). Yes, it is that beautiful there. Wonderful people, wonderful place. I pray that God may bless and protect them. Tiny country in the middle of firce hatred. Well, that's all.

Acceptance Addiction

2006-11-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

I want to be accepted. I want to be accepted for me. Accepted in my thoughts, my desires, my wishes, my plans, my ideas, my ways, my laugh, my tears, my yawning, my walking, talking, playing, jumping, screaming, my pimpels, my bad hair day, my good hair day, my wrinkles, my dislikes and the things I choose to like, my make up or the lack of it, my choice of tea, cake and food in general, my choice of dress and whatever is contained in that particular word, my choice of speech and my choice of silence, my great achievements and the even greater lack of it, my face, my jokes and even the ones that aren't funny, my work, my art, my worldview, my failure that is constantly before my eyes and my lack of understanding - which is also constantly confirmed -, my pride, my humility, my anger and my frustration, my family, my house, my free will, my hardened and ice cold heart, my lack of ability to decide when under pressure, my strong drive for harmony and functional relationships (functional almost seems like a misspelled word since disfunctional is a word that in my opinion is highly over-used), my sadness and lack of peace, my tiredness (of strife, tempers, wrong choices..), my inability to forgive quickly, my weirdness, my gossip, my desire for a deep life-changing touch from the Almighty God -my only hope -, my weaknesses and my strengths, my doubts and disbelief, my faith and courage, my failure to take what I have and give it away to the needy, my talkativeness, my silence, my dispair, my many many mistakes, my hunger for more of the One who created me and knows me by name, my deepest longings of which even I am not aware ..., my jealousy, my cravings - my need for acceptance.

Do you know of anyone who would accept me?
If I knew, would I be able to receive that acceptance?
Would I bathe in it and find healing and growth and peace and all those good things?
Or would I just stand there in disbelief, like I do right now?
It's hard to believe that one would love me the way I am after experiencing the opposite for so long. I guess I need help to grasp that fact.

No Doubt

2006-11-02T06:40:00.000-08:00

My niece is the cutest. There is no doubt about it!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

2006-10-30T03:06:00.000-08:00

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Refrain

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Refrain

Thomas Chisholm, 1923

Turn You Eyes Upon Jesus

2006-10-30T03:04:00.000-08:00

O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Saviour,
And life more abundant and free:

Chorus:
Turn you eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conqu'rors we are!

Chorus

His word shall not fail you He promised;
Believe Him and all will be well.
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Helen Howarth Lemmel (1864-1961)

Oh The Deep Deep Love Of Jesus

2006-10-30T02:40:00.000-08:00

1. O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Thy glorious rest above!

2. O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth,
Changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o’er His loved ones,
Died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth,
Watcheth o’er them from the throne!

3. O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Love of every love the best!
’Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
’Tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
’Tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to Thee!

S. Trevor Francis, 1834-1925

I Will Trust In You

2006-10-30T02:31:00.000-08:00

You are my hiding place, You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance, whenever I am afraid I will trust in You.

Let the weak say, "I am strong in the strength of the Lord! Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You."

Coming Out

2006-10-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I have not done the full study and there won't be one. I have decided, I have now come to the point where I leave behind all weirdness and start acting like a normal person. Ok, you have to understand one thing. Coming out is one thing, staying out another. Transparency is one thing and walking in the light another. Gosh, I really didn't want to write about that but since I'm stuck with this one now... let's just go for it. Coming out. Coming out from underneath your little worldview that you thought was a safe place to be. Hidden beneath thoughts of pride and self-consciousness, a world where you rule and reign forevermore... until one day, something or somebody shatters that thin glas canopy above the region where physicists usually assume your mind.

You wake up as it's called more often and you are standing on shakey ground for the first time. Sometimes you don't even feel any kind of ground underneath your feet. Since there has never been ground, only a ground build up of thoughts that carried practically just the mind the feet had been dangeling for quite a while... And now you are up. You rub your eyes in disbelief and look around for hours, days... sometimes years until you realize that reality has hit rock bottom. The one faster, the other slower but usually, unless you go crazy which happens, you do realize that there is another world out there besides your own.

You check your surroundings and for the first time you start sensing a deeper truth. Same time you are sensing a deeper need for a solid rock to stand on. Your search has begun. You try out all kinds of things but nothing holds your feet on ground that won't move. Everything seems to move all the time. You get more desparate. Since you are out you are even trying to get back inside your little dream world but you get a sense that it won't help much to ignore what's really going on. Now what?

Somebody tells you about a super solid rock that never moves. You have been trying quite a while and you are very critical. The sound that it makes inside your heart, though, as the person speaks, sounds like something so incredibly familiar. Familiar, like, I have been made for this sound, but different, since I have never heard that sound so clearly until now. You pick up all the hope that's left and climb on top of that rock to find yourself standing in perfect peace for the first time in ages, it seems.

Spoken Words

2006-10-20T03:41:00.000-07:00

Just deleted the last post. How wonderful, when I don't like something I just delete it. Unlike spoken words... how many times do you wish to have not said a certain thing or two but since the words came out one after the other there is no stopping them now. They have hit home and maybe hurt somebody, discouraged or even killed somebody. So much for spoken words...

Anti Life Move

2006-10-11T02:35:00.000-07:00

I have just been in a conversation with a friend and had some thoughts that I thought I just publish because of it's prevelant matter.

Do church and state function together? In my opinion, yes. Defining church and state first, though. If everybody would follow Jesus' footsteps there would be life multiplied exponentially (if there is such a thing). Simply put: Life everywhere. People would have a sense, a purpose in life, would create things, would be living life out of the source of life - the Creator God Himself.

Trying to put things together is pretty easy for us followers of Jesus because it all starts with God and ends with God. We need Him more than the air that we breathe, even though we certainly don't act that way most of the time... :(

But for somebody who does not follow Jesus and who might even be bitter against the Creator God, will try, just like Darwin, to kick out all possible evidence of a loving God who cares and wants fellowship with His creation.

I'm not saying he is the anti christ, but this is what's coming up now in this generation that is getting ready to rule and reign on this earth. The spirit is there and seems to be pretty pregnant with lots of deceptive philosophies and ideas directly from the pit of hell. And those of us who follow Jesus also need to be aware of false doctrine infiltrating our lives...

I'm writing this because I know that not only one but many others are out there developing a new idea for themselves, ushered in a long time ago. We might think this is a whole new thing but it's a repetition of the old. Babel is old, but is so prevelant.

I just read this morning, "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love." Gal 5:6

Doesn't that make sense and don't we all want that love that restores real trust in people and our Father God? It's freely offered to us and as followers of Jesus we are able to receive and walk out that exact love in Jesus. And remember, perfect love casts out all fear.

Radical Amputation

2006-10-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Taken from C.S.Lewis' book "The Great Divorce"...

...I saw coming towards us a Ghost who carried something on his shoulder. Like all the Ghosts, he was unsubstantial, but they differed from one another as smokes differ. Some had been whitish; this one was dark and oily. What sat on his shoulder was a little red lizard, and it was twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. As we caught sight of him he turned his head to
the reptile with a snarl of impatience. "Shut up, I tell you!" he said.
It wagged its tail and continued to whisper to him. He ceased snarling, and presently began to smile. Then he turned and started to limp westward, away from the mountains. "Off so soon?" said a voice.
The speaker was more or less human in shape but larger than a man, and so bright that I could hardly look at him. His presence smote on my eyes and on my body too (for there was heat coming from him as well as light) like the morning sun at the beginning of a tyrannous summer day. "Yes, I am off," said the Ghost. "Thanks for all your hospitality. But it is no good, you see. I told this little chap," (here he indicated the lizard), "that he would have to be quiet if he came - which he insisted on doing. Of course his stuff will not do here: I realize that. But he will not stop. I shall just have to go home. "Would you like me to make him quiet?" said the flaming Spirit - an angel, as I now understood. "Of course I would," said the Ghost. "Then I will kill him," said the Angel, taking a step forward.
"Oh - ah - look out! You are burning me. "Keep away," said the Ghost retreating. "Don't you want him killed?" said the Angel. "You did not say anything about killing him at first. I hardly meant to bother you with something so drastic as that."
"It is the only way," said the Angel, whose burning hands were now very close
to the lizard. "Shall I kill it?"
"Well, that's a further question. I'm quite open to consider it, but it's a new point, isn't it? I mean, for the moment I was only thinking about silencing it..." said the Ghost. "May I kill it?" asked the Angel.
"Well, there's time to discuss that later" said the Ghost.
"There is no time. May I kill it?"
"Please, I never meant to be such a nuisance. Please - really - don't bother. Look! It's gone to sleep of its own accord. I'm sure it will be all right now. Thanks ever so much."
"May I kill it?"
"Honestly, I don't think there's the slightest necessity for that. I'm sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. I think the gradual process would be far better than killing it." said the Ghost. "The gradual process is of no use at all."
"Don't you think so? Well, I'll think over what you've said very carefully. I honestly will. In fact I'd let you kill it now, but as a matter of fact I'm not feeling frightfully well today. It would be silly to do it now. I'd need to be in good health for the operation. Some other day, perhaps."
"There is no other day. All days are present now."
"Get back! You're burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You'd kill me if you did."
"It is not so."
"Why, you're hurting me now."
"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you"...

The Angel's hands were almost closed on the Lizard, but not quite.
Then the Lizard began chattering to the Ghost so loud that even I could hear what it was saying. "Be careful," it said. "He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you'll be without me forever and ever.
It's not natural. How could you live? You'd only be a sort of ghost, not a real man as you are now. He doesn't understand. He's only a cold, bloodless abstract thing. It may be natural for him, but it isn't for us. Yes, yes. I know there are no real pleasures now, only dreams. But aren't they better than nothing? And I'll be so good. I admit I've sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won't do it again. I'll give you nothing but really nice dreams - all sweet and fresh and almost innocent. You might say, quite innocent..."
"Have I your permission?" asked the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?" asked the Angel.
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Then I may?"
"...Go on can't you! Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."

Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard on Earth.
The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit
and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed on the turf.

Some people, rather than cut off the causes of sin, want to stare it in the face and just say "no" or tell it to "be quiet" as C.S. Lewis described. They think that would be true victory. However, this desire to try to be strong rather than pure will not result in victory.

But If From There...

2006-10-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

There we go. I'm found out. Ever thought about running when things got real tight on you? I did. The problem is, that running from the source of life makes you lose all that's worth living for. Packed, eh? What is real bad sin in YOUR eyes? Stealing? I bet it's not as big as killing someone, right? Or what about blowing up the twin towers? What about planning on committing genocide for decades (or centuries - thinking about a certain religion here) and feeling nothing but sheer power and satisfaction while the jobs being carried out? I bet that must be a great sin.

Well, you know me. I can't just stick with something like that - I always have to counter or find a more prevelant point, and here it is: Hypocrisy is the worst of all. Hear me out...

Imagine, you were standing in front of your Creator God. What would He find looking at you? Would He find selfless love flowing from Him to you and back? Would He find you embracing all what he meant for you to be and have? Would He find you following Jesus' footsteps and leaving all behind to see His glory manifest wherever you may be?

Or will He find a person, lonely, starving for attention, trying to fit the status quo, holding up one mask after the other, crying out tearless in a pain that reaches to the utmost depth inside of you... constantly needing to feed self for any kind of satisfaction - may it be real food or soul food that is offered 1,000,000 bits/sec...

Standing before the Creator God, who calls you His son, His own, who knows the very number of your hair, what would that be like? Simple: God is light, so, He would shine His light on you and there would be no more hiding or masking or whatever your ways are trying to keep hidden from Him. Will you have a choice then? I don't know of any when you get there... I know the one you have right here on earth. You can not serve two masters.

Hypocrisy is the state of a hardened heart. It's the place where you find yourself running from and not running to Your Father in Heaven. No one can be real without facing truth. You want to be who you really are, face truth, painful as it is, with boldness. You are not alone. Jesus made the way that you can run to a save place where you can find rest from running.

I just read that one: "But if from there, you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath." Deut 4:29

Awesome, isn't it? So, I'm facing a new day. There is hope on the horizon. As the sun rises, I am filled with joy because I know my God has not forsaken me, He has drawn me and made me holy again, without blemish and free from accusation! Col 1:22

Had A Drink Again...

2006-10-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

So, ya, I went to a conference that past weekend and it was so good. It wasn't because of the teaching, it wasn't because of the nice music - no - it was because I had fellowship. You know, after starving for a while since there weren't those around you usually fed from and were able to feed - also important - I turned more and more into a wilted flower. Then the weekend came and I drank and drank and kept drinking... I feel so much more like a person right now. I know how it gets, though. After a while if you don't keep your fire burning, forget it. It will go out and you will be longing for another "conference" - such people are the so called 'conference hoppers'. They are fickle in every way but very loyal to every event that is happening. Father God, help me to keep the FIRE burning and not to draw from other people who have paid the price of intimacy with you. I understand how easy it is to turn to others before you turn to God for help - in any area of your life. Grace is sufficient. He has done whatever needed to be done for us to be able to come before His throne. LET'S GO! :)

Opponent

2006-09-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

The depth of a look... eyes, the window to our soul. Where do we find the "worthy opponent" who has our permission to read our deepest thoughts? Who could be the one who reads and still stands - stands in a loving embrace of our most fragil world?

Many are searching and seeking for that special one to share heart and soul without being left ashamed and angry at self for having been vulnerable.

Looking at David, the Psalmist, pouring out his deepest thoughts to the One who knows him well - too well that he cannot hide from Him - we see that trust is required to fulfill the role of a worthy opponent. Also, almost in the same breath we have to acklowledge that the God of Israel knows Him well. Intimacy that is gentle to the soul and spirit of a man who has been entrusted with a huge kingdom. Relationship needs investment. Investing needs endurance. Endurance comes from a source within the heart of a follower of Jesus. The source is Jesus. Become one with Jesus and your investment is His. There is your worthy opponent.

On Being Misunderstood

2006-09-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

How far can a person be alienated from the rest of the world? And is distance (geographically speaking) always the initial issue?

Well, as I am musing about it I come to different conclusions: Once a "wise" man said, that being misunderstood is the greatest sense of loneliness. I have to admit that I definately know what that feels like. Looking at it from a different angle, though, would explain that you, the one who feels lonley, might not be willing to actually share the depth of what you want to bring across. Let me explain that in more detail. If I want to share something of great importance to me with my neighbor and we speak the same language I can share that matter with him easily. My body language explains most of it and whatever else is needed is shared through words. Sometimes only a look speaks a million words...

How then do you explain misunderstandings? Well, I found that if you feel like you are misunderstood before you even try sharing you already show your neighbor a specific distance. You tell him, he will misunderstand and with that give him little option to actually do so. If he insists that he understands you still shrug your shoulders in hopelessness negating it against all effort of your neighbor who actually might understand it completely. You have decided, that he will not understand before you shared and now that he might have trouble with it you confirm your decision and find yourself in a spiral winding your way lower into the abyss of loneliness. When you start blaming your neighbor you have reached the place of misery. You have closed the door of hope and understanding and opened up to the darkness and filth of being a victim - left alone out there. Nobody cares. Nobody understands.

You would be surprised how many people are like that out there. If you decided to tell somebody something that is your opinion and you want him to believe the same way but he doesn't and might even counter your points in a logical and easy manner - making your points look awefully miserable - and you decide to get angry about it and start telling him that he just doesn't understand... you again close the door to understanding and choose the path of misery instead of humbling yourself, acknowledging your weak points in that matter and maybe even laugh about it with your neighbor so that you can stay neighbors and don't become enemies...

Well, my point is clear. I believe that in many cases when we feel misunderstood it is not because we actually are. It's more our distorted view that enables ourselves to want for the other to misunderstand and confirm our helpless state of being a victim.

We are not called to be victims, though. I believe, that we can choose to stay victims or choose Jesus to help us overcome our victim mentality and lean on Him for strength to humble ourselves and gain patience with people around us loving them and showing our true selves - which can be scary - with His help.

Hey, believe me, working through this I have seen my own tendencies and neglectencies...
In Jesus we have found that door that we can go through fully relying on the most faithful source of life. Life is to be lived, right? Let's do it loving life in Jesus who offered that life to us.

"Yes, I do."

2006-09-04T04:44:00.000-07:00

Today I went to town to run some errands. Many people were on foot and bike enjoying the post-summer weather. All of a sudden two young girls approached me. One of them asked me if I had some time to participate in a survey on religion. I agreed, curiously, wondering what would be their questions. "Do you believe in God?" was asked first. "Yes, I do." I answered already thinking further. We live in a country where a question like that is asked without it being a big deal. Just a little more east, south, even west and north, depending where you are at, this question is asked to determine if you should die or live depending on your answer. If you say "Yes." you might die or live through some severe torture with life long damage. You can imagine that I went home thanking God for the opportunity to speak about Him without being harmed and praying for those who live in very bad circumstances because they also said "Yes, I do." May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob have mercy over those today who suffer because they love their Maker.

Another Never EndingThought

2006-08-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

Just added that link about God's many different names. Very interesting. I have looked at it and found that some names are not included, like buddha or hindu gods or others from the rest of the world. I also found that those names mean very practical or even relational things to us human beings who have needs. Now, would somebody please let me know that he or she has no need and I will try to believe you...

So, looking at it simply: There is no other God but the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob or else he would be included, right? What we call "god" is most of the times somebody or some thing - believe it or not - that takes up most of our time and attention, affection and sacrifce. Yeah, we actually sacrifice to our "god". We spend a whole load of time washing and polishing the car that has no value compared to the daugther, son, wife, sibling or parent. Meaning, we should spend our time investing in what's truly valuable - relationships. We spend so much money on food, clothes and other schickschnack that takes also from our time and resources instead of giving and being there for others. Pretty simple, isn't it? We sit in front of the computer creating stupid blogs when mom just made apple pie and calls for someone who would like to share that what was made in love... hahahaha... well, I'm gonna go now have some apple pie. May you decide to spend some time investing into relationship as well. God is the designer of all relationships and also craves for someone to share His heart with. If you dare to call God "friend" you can enter into a relationship that will change your life...

He Loves The Whole World

2006-08-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Hi there. Found myself rejected and neglected from the entire world. Cried until I found peace again - that was almost exactly the time I gave up fighting God's love that knocked on the door of my heart. He settled the conflict inside of me. The worst thing is to step down from your high horse and humble yourself. But has that ever not been absolutely rewarding? I can give you countless situations where that had to happen: Feeling miserable, fighting God's heart and mind over me, realizing that fighting God usually just costs a whole lot of energy but doesn't make things better, giving up and surrendering all of it to Him - who was just waiting for that moment to fill you with His strength and peace. Oh how I hate to be in it!!! But oh how much better I know that God afterwards who fights these battles for me, who stands in the gap for me and who loves me so much that all I must do is come to Him and say: "Papa, putt!" ...and He heals what's broken, mends what's wounded and touches what needs a divine touch. I do have an awesome God.

Makes me wonder how anybody else would be satisfied with less. Why believe in something that doesn't move your heart in the deepest places, doesn't talk clearly, doesn't show you the meaning of life and how to go about it, doesn't show you how to achieve peace in your heart and with the people around you - even if those people hated you -, doesn't give you direction and guidance in who you are and doesn't love you selflessly... ...and doesn't fight with hate. Doesn't scream "Kill them all in the name of...!" But says, "Love one another as I have loved you!"

But that's what I believe is the free will that God gave us. May you choose HIM today over killing, lying, hating and cheating.

Life Is Worth Living

2006-08-20T04:07:00.000-07:00

Today is a day where I can just sit and meditate on life, God's gift to me. I choose life which is something rare nowadays. I choose it because in choosing it I receive the life that has been offered to me. Life in itself contains so much and still, life just wants to be lived. Lived to its fullness. Life asks the question: Do you dare to live?

When we get under the weight of people's opinions, natural disasters, worries concerning the past, present and future, when we allow the heavy clouds of depression to make us more or less give up on life we buy into death. As we let death become our mainstream, the heart of existance, so to speak, we become a speaker of death, the world around us dies and relationships that were held dear turn into isolation and confusion.

Life is an offer from above. God gave us the ability to receive what He designed for us. It's an offer from the hand of Your Maker. Naturally He creates life and when offered desires for us to live it fully. Abundance, another word that would fit. There is so much of it, drink of it, He says. Freely given, I can now freely receive. Life has the character of multiplication. Where there's life, there's more life. Life produces life. Life gives without strings attached. Life creates life in lifelessness. Life has to be lived.

My conclusion: Life is good. Life is essential. Life is to be lived in honor and respect of its Designer, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Light

2006-08-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

I got up and the sun was shining into my room. I love those days when I get up and the sun is out and greets you "Good Morning!". Life seems easier to manage. Actually life is easier to manage when there is light. We can see clearly and we are encouraged to take up the task that awaits us for that individual day. Light. I need light in my life. I always ask God to show me clearly what He means in different things. Sometimes I ask that question numerous times a day. Things come up and all I can do is ask Him to guide me in His light. I don't understand everything. I don't know many things. One thing, though, is granted to me: I was granted to be a daughter of the Most High God, whom I can call Father. There is a lot of light. Talking to my Father who loves me so much that He pours out grace upon grace that I can get up and love on other people around me...

Light shines in the darkness. The darkness must ALWAYS give way to light - isn't that amazing? I am a daughter of "light" that shines clearly into all my dark places and lights them up. As light seeps through my dark places I begin to see clearer and act accordingly. People who live in darkness can hardly function. They need light. We are dependend on light. I am dependend on the light the shines into my heart and exposes the wicked things. I don't want to have the dark things in my heart. I want the love that I was created for to reside in my heart. I want the joy I was meant to receive to be my constant follower and I want the peace that supercedes all my understanding to be grounded deeply inside of me. It's granted to me. What am I waiting for. I want it all. I receive, Father!

Precious Savior

2006-08-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I need you more than life. I need You so much. Do not wait. Come, Lord. Come and fight this battle for me. I am weak. I am weary. I have done so much and gained nothing. I am brought very low. My sin is constantly before my eyes. Lift me up, my Lord. I can not do it by myself. I am totally dependend on You. I surrender. I stop fighting You, I just come. Would You come and pick me up from this mess. I want to lay in Your arms. Close to You. Resting my head on Your chest and listen to Your heart beat. I miss You so much. Please come. I can do nothing of myself. I give up. Only You. You. I choose to trust You now. I will wait for You. I know You are near.

Thank You, Savior. Precious Savior.

Something

2006-08-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

Summer time, Galveston, a nice trip on a boat. Who would want more? Well, I believe that there are people who would want more since there is obviously a lot that you can do out there...

Not only talking about
something
absolutely different but also something that would find pleasure in your spoilt eyes. No, I don't need to talk about the third world as it is today. Just wanted to mention that in all of our ways to please ourselves we very quickly oversee the little details we should have tended to - a lot earlier in life anyway. BUT shoulda, woulda, coulda is not the way we want to end this - Family is important. People need to be invested in. It's never in vain when you lovingly invest into a life out there. My message for today.

Where I live

2006-08-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

So there it is. My humble abode. I love to be there and even get to swim at the pool somtimes... I don't know anybody there, though, maybe due to my busy-ness and the heat that keeps everybody inside. I like it, the way it is.
Maybe it's not supposed to be that way - I do think that people should commune with each other - and people shouldn't avoid getting to know each other at least on a non-personal level where no one gets stepped on or something else miserable happens. It's sad in some way, though, when you look at it because you see the
result of false shyness - as I tend to relate to it - and being reserved not because of mere misantrophibia but because of a certain type of shame that besets us as soon as our moms start to feel inferior when checking out other moms' abilities and victories, developments that have not occured in their - us - children and become paralized to an extend as to where no one voluntarily dares to leave the as humble the abode might be and on top of all of that neither reaches out and exchanges kindly advice or any type of help that might increase the love to be potty-trained in
their - which means again "us" - children. As we then grow up and "mature" we ourselves feel the task on us to perform equally and draw back as someone kindly reaches out or develop some kind of inner desire to avoid certain places and even whole regions just because the world out there seems too big to manage - the world that consists of the playground down the street up to the office building that you might have to pass through to get to your cubicle.. where you again find yourself separated from humanity and whatever else fears you seem to have learned to obtain.... Oh, would you just relax!

Firsts

2006-08-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is. After I couldn't decide for a long time if I wanted ME in the public for everyone to see and know I came to the conclusion that I might be the only one so extremely concerned about it. I will try this out and see what happens. We all need some fun, things to think about and maybe I will be someone who will catch your interest in whatever I write about. So here I am, sitting in front of my computer, trying to sort out whatever I should and whatever I should better not write about.... :)